Culture

New Toaster! New Toaster!

Hi Bostwickians,

Barry Bostwick*, Hollywood Legend here. A little tired of all this coyness on behalf of Mr Trivia about whether I am him or he is me. As my old buddy Pete Fonda used to say, “Just swallow the damn thing and we’ll work it out as we go along.”

What’s got the Bost-meister so jazzed this a.m.? Why my new toaster. Its part of the Sunbeam Café series – it’s a two slot TA9200 – and it even has a high lift lever for those times that muffins or crumpets break off in the toaster body. No more scrabbling, no more reaching for that fork and wondering if you can be bothered switching off the power or will you play “voltage chicken” just one more time?

This toaster is built of stainless steel and has simple controls, but solid press-able buttons and switches. It reminds me of the kind of heavy duty kitchen equipment my Uncle Harry used to have in his diner. We used to visit Harry and Aunty Nell in Boston back in the early 1960s. I used to watch him polishing all that chrome, glass and steel. Sometimes he would make me a deep-fried waffle with maple syrup au gratin on a bed of cheese. It sounds terrible and really was terrible. Made me puke up every time.

I had the Sunbeam flown in from the Germany. The only drawback of living here on the shores of Lake Como is that there are no really good appliance stores nearby.

I had Jack Black, Sam Mendes and Kate Winslett over at the House and we watched the original THE MATRIX again on DVD. It still holds up. That boy Keanu did a bang-up job. And Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith! Hugo and I keep bumping into each other in LA and we’re still trying to find a project together. He’s keen to do some O’Neill. Passé, much? I would much rather do some Simon. Me as Oscar Madison. Hugo as Felix Unger. Woot! I got goosebumps. Gotta find my Blackberry

The night with Jack and the Mendeses ended a little awkwardly; Jack was explaining how he’s on a Ritalin-type drug between movies and has to ease off a little during a shoot so his patented ‘whackiness’ can come out. Or is ‘whack-ness’ what the kids are saying now? Note to self: Hire Assistant to keep me updated on youth and trends.

Sam got a little bored with this and started looking through my DVD collection. He picked up AMERICAN BEAUTY and nodded approvingly. Then he picked up my copy of JARHEAD. He paused. What came next I could already see coming from a mile off. He looked puzzled. Then he said, “Do you have a copy of ROAD TO PERDITION, Barry? I can send you one if you’d like?”

It was really uncomfortable. But I haven’t lived for 62 years without learning how to handle myself. I told Sam that PERDITION was a maladroit art film that actually made the gangster genre seems bloodless and dull. Kidding! Actually I told him Rudi the housekeeper must have borrowed it.

Then I got some bouillon cubes out of the freezer, toasted up a stack of croutons and made some of my famous Bosto-Bouillabaisse. It’s based on a recipe taught to me by my old grandmother from the Crescent City.

Till the Clouds Roll By

Barry Bostwick*

*Barry Bostwick although a real Hollywood actor (and one classy guy) is, for the purposes of this blog, the alter-ego of the semi-fictional Mr Trivia. Geddit?

P.S. It’s my lawyer, Lyndsey. She’s the killjoy.

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