Culture

Look Sharp

Zeitgeisters,

As y’all know, I have The Insomnia which is a really cool affliction that we creative folk have. It allows me to watch the very best in world infomercials at a time when solid citizens are wasting their time in slumber.

A particular favourite of mine, which hasn’t been on for a while, is for a fantastic set of kitchen knives called the Miracle Blade 3 Perfection series.

The whole infomercial is brought to us by Chef Tony; Chef T wears the classic Chef’s hat that doubtless commands a lot of respect in the great kitchens of the world. However, not so much out here in civvy street. I believe the last person on the planet to bring off the tall hat was either Abe Lincoln or Dr Seuss’s Cat in the Hat. I tend to think of tall headgear as intrinsically comical, but maybe that’s just me. I doubt whether Pope Benedict or the Archbishop of Canterbury would agree with my views.

Chef Tony has all sorts of activities in motion to show how efficient these blades are. There is a carpenter called James who uses the blades to cut through plasterboard to make holes for windows. That’s quite telling. Chef Tony also uses a Miracle Blade to cut through leather, sheet rock and a tin can and then cuts into soft bread and a tomato with the same knife! Fwoh!

Then we are introduced to the man who invented the Miracle Blade. His name might be Elliot Murder although I find it more likely that I nodded off and misheard this vital detail. Whatever his real name is, Chef Tony refers to him as the Einstein of Knives.
Sadly, the Einstein of Knives does not reciprocate by describing Chef Tony as the Tiger Woods of Infomercials.

Mr Murder whom I prefer to think of as the Madame Curie of the Blade, was obsessed with the notion that we human primates have a triangular grip and so designed the Miracle Blade 3 Perfection series with three-sided handles.

Interspersed through all this, we are shown punters in supermarkets experimenting with these knives. These individuals have plenty to say: “You can get a paper thin slice…”, “It’s beautiful man, sweet”, “It’s a perfect slice…. a perfect slice…”

That’s real people, talking about knives, at 2.30 in the A.M. when you’re asleep.

And this is me, keeping all of you, who prefer to knit the ravelled sleeve of care, informed about the infomercials that you’ll never see.

Elevate the Insignificant,

Mr Trivia

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