Culture

Dear Stranger,

Zeitgeisters,

I recently received this letter right in my Facebook In-Box. It’s from a complete stranger, whom we shall refer to as Tiffani. That isn’t her real name, but the alias I have chosen approximates the feel of her actual name.

Tiffani wrote to me almost a fortnight ago and I felt unable to answer her note. Basically, I didn’t know what was appropriate. Nor indeed exactly what she wanted. Perhaps you can help me out? Here is most of her letter with only a few words excised to protect her identity.

Mr Trivia, I am a woman!!!
i like your profile!!! i think its… cool
I have some hot undies. i’m dying to show off. u interested?
Contact me at (excised) .com .
I almost never respond through facebook.

I’m really not sure I understand what Tiffani is looking for with this extraordinary note.

She begins strongly harking back to feminist songstress Helen Reddy’s 1970s pop smash hit call to arms I AM WOMAN. She proclaims her womanhood with three exclaimation marks- she MEANS IT!!!

Then she says likes my Facebook profile – only natural. She even identifies it as ‘cool’. So she is demonstrating taste and good judgement, all very encouraging.

But then she veers off into uncharted territory by talking up her hot undies.  I think Tiffani has erred here by taking the spotlight off me and swinging it back to herself and her allegedly toasty undergarments. Then she asks if I’m interested in seeing her show them off. Hey, hey, hey….hey there. Just…whoa.

Firstly, Tiffani you are represented by Facebook’s default no photo ID. The dude with the little jelled up spike ‘do. So to me you resemble the white silhouette of the completely mental Ed Grimley, the comedy character made famous by Martin Short, certainly not someone that I have ever imagined seeing in his BVDs. Secondly, at the time of your message, my profile pic was a video frame capture of former Channel 10 kid’s mascot, Kenny Kidna – ‘trying to get ta bed, rest his weary head’. So what are you saying? Is it “Could Ed Grimley’s outline ever get busy with Kenny Kidna?” Then sadly, the answer has to be ‘No’.

Now it has occurred to me that perhaps I have misread Tiffani’s intentions. She says she almost never responds through Facebook. Hence I think her rookie error in mentioning her Holeproofs way too early. You almost never caught Carrie doing this in SEX AND THE CITY. Tiffani’s obviously a Facebbok – and probably – an Online Noob.

So was Tiffani just asking for an opinion on the hot undies.  Was she selling insurance? Perhaps she was some kind of Russian Mafia Internet scam artist?

What, if anything, should I tell her?

Mr Trivia

11 thoughts on “Dear Stranger,

  1. Nothing. Tell her nothing. Tiffani is an uncaring robot working for a bunch of very ugly men who want your money. Mr Zuckerberg is probably getting 10%. Just smile.

  2. Oh, Mr Triv. Tiffani is just lonely. She just wanted to find someone to share her hot undies with. Is that such a crime? You should open your heart to Tiffani!!! (And probably your wallet – or at least your credit card details).

  3. Hold up, I think there’s a little more at work here. Being an avid Lost watcher, I’ve learned to look for patterns in everything – even when they’re probably not even there.

    What this message looks like is a clumsy attempt to entice you to email an address that is most likely going to respond with spam till the end of time… but in reality, when you break down each line and look at the words, and search for patterns, then what we start to find is that perhaps maybe this is an intricately composed message, sent to entice you to reply to an address that’s most likely going to spam you to oblivion.

    Or she’s just lonely. In these cases, I always like to imagine a socially inept sender, tear-stained face lit by the glow of an old CRT monitor, desperately sending emails off to random profiles, hoping to make a connection with someone.

  4. Tiffani is actually working for the global feminist underground group the Holistic Organisation for the Representation of the Everywoman, unfortuantely anachronized to HORE (better than WHORE).

    Tiffani, and hundreds liker her, are employed by HORE to seek out the most ugliest of anti-feminist, those that think girls are nothing but manequins for hot, hot undies.

    Do NOT reply Mr Trivia. Your future depends on it.

  5. The plot thickens – I had the exact same mystery lady contact me, with the exact same message. The only difference is mine was a full blown friend add and did come with a picture – a lady who could charitably be estimated to be in her mid 40’s in a cordial family portrait like photo with a guy a few years older than me, who I can only assume was her son.

    The overall effect was…..weird. Call me shallow or unadventerous, but i did not want to see her undies.

  6. My friends, you have offered me so much excellent advice.

    @Edwin – the Russian Mafia, eh. I knew it.
    @April – glad you enjoyed it!
    @TheNDM – you’ve got a bob each way there. Lonely but she’s probably part of a scam. You see the big picture as always.
    @Mark – well if it’s like lost I have no way at all of figuring this out. Patterns…everywhere…,
    @Liz – So, this is what feminisim turned into in the online age. Thanks for the heads-up from the front line, sister.
    @Chuck – does her husband know that she’s sending this hot undies message to all and sundry. Being the internet the answer is “probably yes, in fact he gets off on the thought.”

    Thank you for these considered replies.

  7. Musn’t forget what my Facebook friends had to say

    Part 1.

    Tim – hah! i got that as well (she gets around). The hot undies didnt bother me as much as this line
    “i like your profile!!! i think its… cool”

    it sounds pretty condescending. Like I see her saying that line with her eyes darting around before (in the dotdotdot) she says cool.

    Andrew – So she’s got lots of hot undies then. Wonder where she stole them from?

    Felicity – A nuclear powerplant, of course 😛

  8. Facebook Friends Part 2

    Katherine: Invite yourself over there for breakfast!

    Mr Trivia: It is a bracing 6 degrees celsius in Vladivostok.

    Katherine: Hence why she needs hot undies

    Sandi: Tell her ur undies r hotter & leave it as that…

    Chris: I like the Ed Grimley reference. The Ed Grimley Animated show was a big hit in my house when I was a kid. Most people have never heard of it.

    Alister: I’ve sen those public heath ads, any redness or itching in the undie department is bad …. heat can’t be a good sign. This poor girl might be in dire need of medical assistance.

  9. There’s even a part 3.

    Teck – Run for the hills!

    Richard – Uncovering the identity of “Tiffani” would undoubtedly reveal her true intentions. I hear well known undie wearer Lara Bingle is at a loose end these days; or perhaps Catherine Deveny mistook you for Bindi Irwin? T’is certainly a mystery worthy of Mister Trivia’s forensic attention to detail.

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