Culture

Tweeting Bond

Last month I had an Orange Alert Man Flu. I was watching the James Bond-athon that Channel 7 has been running. It was LICENCE TO KILL (1989) which I had never seen before. I was feeling annoyed by its wretchedness, so I began tweeting about it. (Twitter haters may leave now.) Tristan from that excellent site Bullshit Movies Facebooked his encouragement (Facebook haters may leave now). So I am citing him as my enabler in the following mucus-fuelled, micro-blogging, rant-fest.

Watching LICENCE TO KILL for the first time ever. Man, were they trying for a Razzy award? Awful. 9:51 PM Aug 14th via web

Felix and Della Leiter have just given 007 a present as a token of their esteem. So basically they’re dead. 9:54 PM Aug 14th via web

Felix Leiter just reminded us that James used to be married. Back when he was George Lazenby. 10:00 PM Aug 14th via web

Badguy Robert Davi kidnapped the Leiters! Leiter being fed to sharks by young Benicio Del Toro. 10:02 PM Aug 14th via web

Bond world’s worst spy has a hunch that not all is well. Not last night when it counted…discovers both Leiters dead. 10:05 PM Aug 14th via web

Correction: Felix Leiter in ICU after White Pointer bit through (his) pelvis. Bond swears cold revenge! Remembers death of wife Diana Rigg. 10:11 PM Aug 14th via web

Bond causing pointless mayhem. Kills minor bad guys with electric eel and that dentally challenged shark. 10:18 PM Aug 14th via Echofon

Bond/Dalton has gone Rogue! He just resigned from the Secret Service 10:21 PM Aug 14th via Echofon

Yeah it’s a an early draft of Quantum of Solace. Bond is going to destroy the man who fed Leiter’s family jewels to Jaws (the shark). Gripping. 10:25 PM Aug 14th via Echofon

Bond approaches bad guy’s ship dressed as a Manta Ray!! This movie is fishstruck. Onboard now. 10:28 PM Aug 14th via Echofon

Typically Bond is in the wrong place. Gives him a chance to put moves on bad guy’s GF. Now causing pointless mayhem on ship and underwater. Sat Aug 14 22:32:15 2010 via Echofon

Good grief! The water is filled with cocaine as Bond flies away in a seaplane dropping millions of US$. Sat Aug 14 22:40:06 2010 via Echofon

Branscome Richmond/Renegade fans you just missed your mulleted hero in a barroom brawl. Bond now putting moves on Hot Pilot. Boat sex. Sat Aug 14 22:49:20 2010 via Echofon

Hot Pilot has given herself makeover and is rocking a shorty hairstyle and power ensemble. Bond doubletakes but does not spit out champers. Sat Aug 14 22:55:16 2010 via Echofon

Bond posing as millionaire with the name Bond in the Head Bad guy’s casino. Subtle. Wayne Newton is a New Age guru and cocaine front. Sat Aug 14 22:59:58 2010 via Echofon

Bond face to face with Bad Guy in Casino. Lots of tedious threat. Hot Pilot has Buck’s Fizz style removable skirt. Q had just fronted. Sat Aug 14 23:08:31 2010 via Echofon

Q’s gadgets – explosive alarm clock, explosive toothpaste, camera gun and X ray Polaroid Laser. Cheesy. Sat Aug 14 23:11:28 2010 via Echofon

Bond tries to sniper Bad Guy (and) is intercepted by British Secret Service who are then attacked by Bad Guy’s army. Bond gets it wrong again, Sat Aug 14 23:25:25 2010 via Echofon

Turns out Bond has ruined DEA and Secret Service sting operations. He has blundered in like Jerry Lewis and a dozen people are dead. Sat Aug 14 23:36:50 2010 via Echofon

Bond is playing a dangerous game of cat and mouse with Bad Guy. Also doing the Bad Guy’s GF. Hot Pilot feels jealous. Sat Aug 14 23:47:32 2010 via Echofon

Bond’s genius plan is to set the cocaine factory alight. The Hot Pilot saves him yet again as Benicio Del Toro is eaten by wood chipper. Sun Aug 15 00:12:35 2010 via Echofon

Evil Bad Guy and Bond about to duel with fuel tankers and ground to air missiles. Sanity at last. Sun Aug 15 00:15:05 2010 via Echofon

Mountainside covered in burning tankers and cocaine. Bond pops wheelie in a semi trailer. Airborne car narrowly misses plane! Sun Aug 15 00:21:00 2010 via Echofon

Bond and Evil Guy survive tanker crash. Machete versus Felix Leiter’s lighter. Bad guy burns. Hot Pilot picks Bond up. Sun Aug 15 00:25:37 2010 via Echofon

Leiter survives crotch biting shark. Hot Pilot gets with Bond in pool. Ornamental fish winks. Credits roll. Boring Diane Warren Song. Sun Aug 15 00:31:36 2010 via Echofon

A winking ornamental fish! Poor Tim Dalton didn’t stand a chance with material like that.
Mr Trivia

2 thoughts on “Tweeting Bond

  1. I’m a big fan of the “live tweet” and this was definitely a highlight of my Friday or Saturday night, whenever it happened.

    For a long time (at least until Goldeneye came out), “License to Kill” was the only Bond film I’d seen. I was quite young at the time, but I do remember thinking what all the fuss about Bond was. Obviously I’ve learned now it’s not a highlight, I can’t but feel it tarnished the idea of Bond in my subconscious.

    Maybe I should go back and try again?

  2. I think Bond is a kind of Geek entertainment acceptable to non-Geeks or would be Geeks who are too lazy to bone up on the details of the oeuvre. It allows your lay folk to get involved in a body of work and geek out about the differences; Connery is the Best Bond, the laser watch was the best gadget etc. without necessarily having to do too much study. There are Bond Geeks of course and they are the sort of people who will say ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE is the best Bond story with the worst Bond actor. I would dismiss this as claptrap if I weren’t the type of person who would describe Daniel Craig as the best actor to play Bond if not necessarily the best Bond. Clearly I am well on my way to becoming a Bond Geek.

    All of this is my long-winded way of saying that your areas of Geekspertise – music, computer games and comics probably scratch your itch for epic adventure and heroics to a pumping soundtrack. I don’t know that you need James Bond.

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