Twenty-Three Tweets I Never Tweeted

Obviously Social Media is a recent invention. I love it as much as you do. In fact, I love it so much that I wish it had been around for my entire life, but being an ageing Gen X-er, this simply wasn’t possible. So I have performed a brave thought experiment. In the manner of Dr Sam Beckett in television’s QUANTUM LEAP (1989-1993), I have jumped back in my own timeline to create this ‘blog post.

If you’ve never seen the show, it actually has nothing whatever to do with Social Media, whereas this post imagines my Twitter feed for the first twenty years of my life. So the whole QUANTUM LEAP reference was what we used to call borrowed interest. Or bullshit. However, now you’re here, prepare to engage in an artistic happening that is more cutting edge than a box of Ginsu knives.

1967
Was born about three days ago. Took me this long to work out Twitter. House is a bit of a dump. Hope we move to Subi soon.  Ooops. Wet myself again. The indignity.

1968
We took a walk around Subiaco today. I hope The Aged Ps buy something around here soon because house prices will clearly sky rocket. Note to self: Learn to read.

1969
Neil Armstrong walks on THE MOON! And takes all the attention off me. And the Ps brought home some screaming bundle called My Brother. Terrible name.

1970
You’ve charmed the husk right off of the corn, MAME for 1508 performances at Winter Garden Theater NYC! Also, bit tired of these Noddy Books.

1971
John & Yoko record “Power to the People”! Groovy!  Also bit tired of Mum and Dad watching Julie Andrews on telly. Bourgeois or what?

1972
Mother and Father say I must go to “school” next year. It sounds as though it will cut into my plasticine-modelling and Pretending-To-Be-The-Lone-Ranger time.

1973
First day of school. Why are we six year olds shunted off to a prefab here at Rosalie? Why is the alphabet on the board? I know my alphabet already! Boo!

1974
Listen, I get that the Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree and will gladly sing your cheery ditty at School Assembly, but your Lennon and McCartney covers are ill-chosen.

1975
Bloody Kerr and Fraser have sacked Whitlam! Maintain Your Rage Grade Three – refuse to eat your play lunch tomorrow!

1976
Nadia Comaneci scores perfect 10 in gymnastics at the Olympics! But Communism is still the vile conspiracy to enslave the common man. Note to self: buy Metro gum.

1977
I celebrate ten years today. Who are all these posers at my party? I wish they wouldn’t put their sticky mitts on the burnt orange finish of my new Malvern Star bike.

1978
Saw CAPRICORN ONE at Hoyts Wanamba Arcade. Faked Mars landing goes wrong.
Mint idea. They’ll be talking about this one long after they’ve forgotten STAR WARS.

1978 (again)
Some kid described our Adidas Romes and grey cords as a conformist uniform. So we smashed him. Also the 12” remix of BONEY M’s Rasputin is CHOICE!

1979
Western Australian Year ’79 is going really good. 150 Years of Whitey. I didn’t know the word sesqui-centenary before. Probably use it a lot from now on.

1979 (again)
The Iran Hostage Crisis continues. Also, I have fallen in love with Colonel Wilma Deering in TV’s BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th Century. Also, I hate Twiki the robot.

1980
In years to come we will remember the night Joe Dolce premiered Shaddup You Face on Countdown. 13 today. If I were Jewish, I’d be a man by now.

1981
President Reagan shot. Pope John Paul II shot. BUCKS FIZZ win Eurovision with Making Your Mind Up. Truly, terrible things happen in threes.

1982
Farrah Fawcett and Lee Majors divorce! If Jill from CHARLIE’s ANGELS and THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN can’t make it, what hope true love?

1983
Australia 2 wins the America’s Cup! We sing LAND DOWN UNDER for a year. I have double History with a teacher who keeps referring to Hitler’s ‘hypnotic eyes”.

1984
Got my L plates today. Driving a beige TC Cortina. We’re relieved Orwell’s 1984 hasn’t arrived. EURYTHMICS put out terrible song to celebrate. I finish high school.

1985
Fobbed off the TC onto My Brother. Now driving green TE Cortina to my studies at WA Institute of Technology.  I despise semiotics and I fail everything. Leave Uni.

1986
Working for my parents in their restaurant. Hating all customers. Sick of the joke about “fried lice”.  Kurt Waldheim elected Austrian President. No problems foreseen.

1987
I return to uni. Celebrating my 20th. Who are all these posers at my party? I wish they wouldn’t put their sticky mitts on my copy of Camus’ The Stranger.

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