Blame the Screwdriver

WARNING: The following blog is the sort of thing you write when you are very annoyed and very self-righteous. Those of you who prefer Mr Trivia’s more upbeat persona should look away now.


Hi Zeigeisters,

Long time readers of this fledgling blog, may recall that I said I would get back to you with a report on how the script went – the one I wrote for a local awards show. See that original blog here: Procrastination.

Well, we just did the awards show. It was a live event recorded to be screened soon on local television.

We had a television personality from one of the commercial networks doing the hosting. A man who has done comedy before, has acted before and now does lifestyle programs. We thought he was a sure thing. We believed that the laughs were a lock.

We got cocky.

TV Man decided to be a little experimental and attempted to take scripted gags and turn them on their heads. Thus, he attempted punch-lines before feed-lines. In many cases he said the feed-lines badly, and then didn’t do the punch-lines at all. And then he wondered why the laugh never came. And then he got under-confident!

Seriously, almost all of the gags he had where he did the feed and the punch-line sharply, got some kind of laugh.

I sat at the back and watched him getting nervous. I saw him attempt to go sideways into some of the material, hoping that he could get a laugh through ad.libs. And he got some. But not enough.

I was particularly gratified when I heard, “I’m just an actor reading a script” which was his way of saying – “I’m not responsible for writing this stuff. Don’t blame me if it isn’t funny.”

I look at it another way. When you’re an actor, you’re responsible for learning your lines, Cue-Card Man. I hear tell that when some people go from acting to presenting that they get lazy about things like rehearsal.

I was brought up with an apology reflex. I am usually one of those people who when you walk into me, I will apologise.

However, the reflex just isn’t kicking in this time.

My reaction to, “I’m just an actor reading a script” is this.

Next time, read the f***king script properly.

And next time, don’t blame your tools.

Excoriating the Unrehearsed

Mr Trivia

Celebrating Perfect Strangers

Hi Zeitgeisters,

From 1986 to 1993 the whole planet rocked with laughter as it enjoyed the mirth-filled antics of Balki Bartokomous (Bronson Pinchot) and Cozzin (Cousin) Larry in 150 derivative, yet formulaic episodes of the sitcom Perfect Strangers.

Balki, a “sheepherder” travels all the way from the Mediterranean island of Mipos, in order to live with his Cousin Larry, a would-be writer in Chicago. It soon transpires that Balki is a screw-up in his native Mipos and basically has no where else to go!

Cousin Larry (Mark Linn-Baker) is fussy, stitched-up and an order freak. Balki (Bronson Pinchot) is a crazy, out-of-control, good-hearted, funny foreigner. Yes, indeed, it’s The Odd Couple meets Mork and Mindy. And only about one-quarter as funny.

Series creator Dale McRaven was actually one of the creators of Mork and Mindy and had writing credits on television’s The Odd Couple, so clearly it wasn’t a stretch to bring together these elements and twist them slightly in order to make Perfect Strangers.

Its the predictability of the plots that make this sitcom less than classic. However, the lead performances are quite excellent. Linn-Baker and Pinchot had real chemistry and energy that meant that even the worst episodes of this show had their snap and sparkle to carry it through.

For those who wish to see either actor in a non-Perfect Strangers capacity; Pinchot was memorable as Serge in the first Beverly Hills Cop (1984) but also good in the so-so Vibes (1989). Mark Linn-Baker is probably best seen in the 1982 movie My Favourite Year (directed by Richard Benjamin).

So why do we celebrate this series? Because for one short period, it was a thread in the complex tapestry of our lives. Unless you have cable, in which case you probably saw it this morning.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Jo-Marie Payton Noble, who played the elevator operator Hariette Winslow was later spun-off into the television series Family Matters (yes, the one with Urkel in it).


G’day Zeitgeisters,

When I get to work in the morning, I check my email and my voicemail. Adorably my voicemail usually has one or two hangups (as do we all). Those of you who feel a little nervous about speaking to my voicemail – you need to get over it – I don’t know who you are or what you want if you don’t tell me. And you know me, there’s no guarantee that I’d do anything even if I did get the message.


I get between twenty and forty emails daily. Many of which are of the “Cheap Rolexes!” or “V1-agra without a prescription!” variety. Occasionally, I’ll stop to admire an amusing pseudonym; Ratchet A. Twine or Prakesh Digweed will want to sell me a Tag Heur or supply me with Canadian C1-alis, but dammit, at least those guys have memorable monikers, they deserve a moment of my precious time.

By now, twenty-minutes have elapsed and I still haven’t really started work.

That’s Procrastination. (See where this is going, now?)

By the way, Boss, if you’re reading this, I hope you understand that I am not really this work-shy fella Mr Trivia, I only play him in the Blogosphere.

Let’s not discuss the whys of Procrastination just yet. Let’s return to this with the full force of pop psychology after we’ve researched a few more episodes of Dr Phil. Let’s leave it for a while (y-e-e-e-s-s) and I’ll merely state for the record that I have been known to procrastinate.

Right now I am writing a script for a local awards ceremony; only I am not doing that at this very minute, because I am writing this blog entry. The script is half-done and I am afraid it might be half-baked. There are topical gags and snappy one-liners and all the bizzo one usually associates with the rather conservative world of award-show-humour. But is it funny?

Can’t tell. No man is an island nor an audience. I’ll let youse know in a couple of weeks how it all went down.

If I get around to it.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia


And You’re Back in the Room

Hi Zeitgeisters,

I am a lazy person.

How lazy are you Mr Trivia?

I can’t be bothered buying furniture, whitegoods, cutlery or crockery so I rent a furnished and fitted apartment in South Perth.

Okay, not a snappy punchline. Not even funny, but it’s true. I had to move to my present address because my last place (approximately three blocks West from here) was sold. My former landlord had another place for the same rent and he became my current landlord.

Last night I was tidying up and I realised that I have one of those “spatula-shaped” cheese slicers. Y’know, you run it over the surface of the cheese and a perfect slice curls off the top. Maybe it’s a butter curler or it could be an ice cream shaver. Whatever it is, I got one. I also have a jug for fruit juice and about twice the ice cube trays I thought I had.

So like some dork, I have discovered a whole new Narnia Universe of utensils and vessels at the backs of cupboards and drawers, even though I’ve lived here now for nearly seven weeks.

Lazy, like I said. And also unobservant. (And a Capricorn, too, if that’s sounds good. Although my single status is legal rather than actual. I don ‘t live with my partner Miss Pink, but I’ll open up that can of Spam in a later blog.)

The unobservant thing has plagued me all my life. When I was a boy scout in the ‘80s we used to play this observation game that the Boy Scouts’ founder, Sir Robert Baden-Powel, went on about in his ground-breaking tome, Scouting for Boys.

It’s called Kim’s Game and it’s named after a Rudyard Kipling character called Disco Murray (kidding!) The game works this way. You arrange a dozen or so small items on a tray. You get the players to concentrate on the tray for about thirty seconds. Then you cover the tray and get the players to write down what the objects are. The brain tends to remember about five things easily. So most people only remember ten or so of the items.

That probably makes the 1980s sound a little dull for you younger readers. Perhaps if I explain that this usually happened to a blasting soundtrack that included New Order, Flock of Seagulls and Cheap Trick, then it might seem more fun.

I was only average at Disco Murray’s Game. And the older I get, the less observant I become. In my mid- 20s I went to a therapist for about two and a half years. One day near the end of a session I noticed a beautiful floor to ceiling bookcase at the back of his office. I asked him when he had it put in. He said it had always been there for as long as I had been seeing him. “So you’re finally really here in the room,” he said in that inscrutable way psychologists have.

He had a point. I was always in my own bubble when I went in there. Psychologists tend to cost a lot, so you tend to load up on exciting neuroses and “me” tidbits before a session to make sure you get your money’s worth. We had nearly come to the end of all our sessions and so I was more free to take in my surroundings.

Of course, Jeff (who is no longer with us), might have been taking the piss. Maybe the bookcase was put in three days before I asked my question. Too late to find out now. I remember when he died, I had a definite sense of, “So who am I going to tell stuff to?” Charmingly, my first thought was for myself.

It’s still a problem. Where is there for me to ramble on about inconsequential stuff that happens? I need somewhere that I can show photographs of my former apartment with its truly awful fruit-salad curtain that no furniture could be matched to.

It’s a tough one. I’ll have to mull it over.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Celebrating Conrad Janis

Hi Zeitgeisters,

Conrad Janis is best known the world over for the role of bald, bow-tie wearing, Fred McConnell (Mindy’s father) in the worldwide hit sitcom MORK AND MINDY (1978-82). He has appeared in numerous other television series over the years such as DIAGNOSIS MURDER and FRASIER and is also a well-regarded jazz trombonist (Why not search for his music on the ‘net? Buy it, if you’re into jazz or tromboning.)

Conrad’s Fred McConnell was given very few truly comic lines and in episode after episode was encouraged to blast through these with the sarcasm dialled up high (think Darren 2 from BEWITCHED). But despite all this he made an important contribution to the show. This became evident after Fred was removed from the series for all of season 2. He was returned from season 3.

Conrad Janis celebrated his 78th birthday a week ago (11th February) so let us celebrate his Fredness and his jazz stylings.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Shoes Life

Hail Zeitgeisters,

Sometimes bad shows will throw up good lines. I was watching a new episode of LAS VEGAS on the Free-2-Air. Don’t know why. I have no excuses. Was it some fugitive Cheryl Ladd infatuation left over from my 70s boyhood? Nope. My favourite Charlie’s Angel was Tanya Roberts.

Did I think James Caan was going to rediscover his KILLER ELITE persona and whip out some pumping semi-automatic PECKINPAH-style firearm action and shoot everyone down? Nope. This blog doesn’t condone such shenanigans no-how.

I had no good reason apart from sheer potato-couchiness for not flipping the channel to discover a gem of broadcasting that would expand my mind as it cleaned my insides.

Thus I was stayed there slack-jawed with incipient moronic drool as the characters of Danny McCoy and Mike Cannon (love those names) decided who should enter the hotel suite of scary new casino boss Monica Mancuso. Danny is Mike’s superior and Mike kept coming up with pathetic reasons why Danny was the more appropriate choice to go through the door until Danny said, “Are you trying to pull lower rank on me?”

I think I might have attempted something similar in my working life before. Except not in a Vegas or casino-style environment. Although like Cannon and McCoy, I do have a cool name (ie Mr Trivia).


Everyone (that is to say no-one), has been asking about my band “To Be Continued”. After doing a little more research on Imelda Marcos, the First Lady of Phillipines’ former dictator the late Ferdinand Marcos, I was reminded of how crap they both were. So I’m scrapping all references to her and her shoe fetish (see earlier February Posts) and am searching for a new title for the album and a new cover image.

Meanwhile here are some lines I penned moments ago for a song from the new untitled album. I think I’ll call it SAD ABOUT SADNESS


Tears well in my eyes
They fill a well with water
I remember every flower
And icy Coke I bought her.

Grief rises in my heart
I don’t think I can hack it
I remember words of love
Over a burger packet


Sad, sad, unhappy about sadness.
Sad, sad, unhappy about sadness.
Always sad, sad, sad in my sadness.
Never glad or happy about sadness.

It’s a work in progress, friends. I’ll bring you more as I write. One shouldn’t rush these things, though.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Poker Playing Dogs

Hail Zeitgeisters,

I have been literally swamped by people asking me what Poker Playing Dogs? since the last post.Okay, no one has asked me about them at all.But in case you were thinking about asking, here’s the deal.

The Poker Playing Dogs, as we usually think of them, were apparently painted as calendar art by CM Coolidge in the U.S. in the 1920s. The most famous of these is “A Friend In Need” (pictured).

If you wish to know more, then Google it, my friend, like I did.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Stone Cold Art

Hail Zeitgeisters,

Cast your mind back to the last time you read Quotations from Chairman Mao Tsetung (the so-called “Little Red Book”).

Mao wrote the following: “The socialist system will eventually replace the capitalist system; this is an objective law independent of man’s will. However much the reactionaries try to hold back the wheel of history, sooner or later revolution will take place and will inevitably triumph.”Continue reading →

Issue A Denial

Hi Zeitgeisters,

Just saw a movie on the old free-to-air telly (if I call it that, people think I have cable) called PLAYING BY HEART. It asked me to believe that Sean Connery and Gena Rowlands were the parents of three daughters, Madeleine Stowe, Gillian Anderson and Angelina Jolie. And these daughters hooked up with Denis Quaid, Jon Stewart and Ryan Philippe respectively. I couldn’t accept this all-star family for even a nano-second. I can barely believe those people comfortably getting through the entrée at a dinner party.Continue reading →

Hail to Thee

Just flying through, Zeitgeisters, on my way to empty out my storage locker down at the Koala Facility in O’Connor. (Will I get my $90 Australian back?). The locker is empty, the only thing of mine down there, is the padlock I bought to keep people from wandering inside to check out the dusty concrete floor.

Still, locking things is MOST important. If we forget that, we descend to living like lemurs or baboons. And I’m not talking cute, anthropomorphic, Disney-esque primates either (Think: LION KING, then forget it and the Elton John soundtrack).

Time only to say Hail to Thee. I’m new here as you can see. Don’t have anything much deeper to offer than greetings or salutations at the moment. Or maybe ever…

I, like many of us in the Blogosphere often have sweet F— A– to say, but I think saying it with style is a statement in itself. As Paris Hilton might utter, “That’s Hot”. Apparently that’s her trademark phrase.

Those of you who recall hearing those two and half words before Ms Hilton “trademarked” them should really have put your money down first, eh? Easy enough to invent the light bulb after Edison showed us how. Or to quote Homer Simpson: “I don’t know, Herb, why don’t you take an existing invention and put a clock in it?”

Which is to say, Invention is difficult; Re-invention is easier and Plagiarism is easiest of all.

Shoot! My time is almost up. Just like to highlight the following; the remade movie Rollerball is on free-to-air telly in Perth tonite. Chris Klein and LL Cool J, together again for the first time! Those suits sure know how to cast a picture!

I’d like to end with some words I heard last night while watching the Grammys telecast. I was washing dishes at the time so I don’t have every nuance, but bear with me.

Jay Z and Linkin Park won a Best Rap/Sung Collaboration Grammy for their Numb/Encore mash-up. Apparently it came together in a beautifully organic fashion when MTV went to Jay Z and suggested he find someone to a mash-up with. The commercially shrewd and million-selling Jay Z chose the million-selling Linkin Park as the partner for this arranged marriage. Exciting, no?

The Linkin Park guy (don’t know his name – my back was to the TV) ended by thanking, “Everyone in the management and legal teams that made this record happen – because it was nightmare.”

Ah, musicians complaining about the legal logistics of creating an award-winning hit recording. It’s like the rough and ready days of Punk are back! or not.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia