I’ve spent the last week living like a mentally-fragile, reclusive millionaire, sans the mansion and the money. I’ve been writing through the night and sleeping all day. I’ve been going to bed at 8am and waking at 4pm. Everyone is out to get me and all surfaces are covered with germs. Okay, I made up the last bit. No germs. And because I’ve covered all my windows with three ply aluminium foil, no-one can get me.
Not even Barry Bostwick. (Note: First Bostwick name-check for 2007).
So, 2007, eh? Either the start of a glittering future or just another year in an endless blur of undifferentiated existence that leads ineluctably to the Big Dirt Nap.
Thank God for the distraction of professional sport and Ikea. And I guess there’s substance abuse for some of you, although that’s looking a bit 2006, if you ask me.
So, New Year’s Resolutions, I think we agree, are crap. Instead join with me and let us draw up a manifesto for change. A list of aims that we as a group might effect because we are stronger as a group than we are a collection of loose individuals.
Or as Karl Marx says he dies in the reactor room in Star Trek 2 – The Wrath of Khan, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”
01. Start a massive on-line campaign to get teen soap THE OC uncancelled or reinstated, which ever is more cost-effective.
02. Donate a chunk of money to an appropriate charity. Especially if you’ve been meaning to do it, but haven’t got around to it yet.
03. Get the word out far and wide, that claiming to know Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas by calling her Stacy is wrong. She’s the F to the E, R, G, the I, the E.
04. Check the use-by dates on the condiments jars in your refrigerator. Throw stuff out if necessary or use any out-of-date items in a drinking game. Your choice.
06. Buy a goldfish and attempt to dominate it by sheer force of will. When you fail – and you will – sit down with your fish and watch Newshour with Jim Lehrer.
07. Go through your music collection and find any item that you haven’t listened to in the last 24 months. Get rid of the relevant CDs, MP3s, whatever. Be ruthless. Kid Rock stays but. Unless you’re Pamela Anderson.
08. Write a long rambling letter to your local authority regarding your disgust with how poorly the Wars on Terror, Drugs and Poverty are progressing and then refuse to pay your speeding fines and parking infringements as a form of protest.
09. Get smashed and karaoke Grayson Hugh’s Can We talk it Over in Bed to your Significant Other at an inappropriate event. Your kid’s 21st might be good. Heh! But that puts it out of reach in 2007, for most of us. Damn.
10. Write your own crackpot manifesto and stick it on your blog.
Elevate the Insignificant, Zeitgeisters!