I was cruising through the Sunday Times/Perth Now site, trying to discover what was going on in well, Perth now. Instead I was sidetracked into finding out why current Aussie Miss Universe contestant Laura Dundovic didn’t wow them in the pageant’s swimsuit contest. “Losing Ground: What’s wrong with our Laura?” I really wanted to know. Uneven shoulder blades? Not a morning person? But I clicked and found nothing, just a straightforward story about how she wasn’t winning the comp. So, not really a story at all.
But under the story was another intriguing question, “Is Laura Better than Jen Hawkins?” For those of you who are unsure, Jennifer Hawkins is the 2004 Miss Universe and the last Aussie to win the contest. This was what I was here for, some real hard-hitting infotainment.
I clicked on the link (not seeing the word ‘gallery) imagining that I would uncover a simmering controversy. Maybe that Jen had a smashing personality and that Laura came across as a little distant to the judges.
No answers. No story. Just the headline on a gallery, “Everyone Loves Hawko”. Laura Dundovic no longer cracked a mention. In the space of a mouse click, a blunt statement dispensed with the question. Everyone. Loves. Hawko.
Although I understand that Hawko’s the reason that freedom-loving Aussie blokes fight on foreign soil, some of us, possibly half a dozen men in this wide brown land, are indifferent to Hawko. I have seen her doing a variety of pieces to camera in shows like Network Nine’s Getaway and there is nothing extraordinary about her, apart from the way she looks.
Yes, I realise that an expeditionary force of handpicked FHM commandos is on its way to my house at this very moment and within the hour I will be terminated with extreme prejudice – so I’ll make this brief.
The Daily Telegraph is anything but indifferent to Hawko. It’s their story. Or rather their gallery of Jennifer Hawkins photographs. But I kept clicking on links in the first place, thinking that I would be reading a story. I was sucked in by speculative headlines that suggested I would discover what was wrong with Laura or even whether Laura was better than Jen. But what I got was nothing but smartly written puff. All sizzle and no chop. All the effort went into the headlines, in order to get me to click on them.
But why did I want to read anything at all? How 20th century of me. The noughties are all about the pictures. Or as like to call ‘em ‘pitchurs’, Pitchurs are modern, switched on, hard-wired, up-side-the-head. People wanna look at Miss Universe for cryin’outloud, Mr Trivia! Why the heck would we read about Hawko, when we can look at her?!
However, I still found the sheer size of the gallery worthy of comment. There are 119 – count ‘em, 119 – photographs of Hawko. This includes shots of her as a kid, photos from her school formal etc. Her passport photo might be in there, too. I’m not sure because I jumped forward to photo 119 (All smiles as she steps out at another fashionable party”) to see if they could really fill a gallery with Hawkage. And they did.
And yes, even though the chopper blades are cutting the air over South Perth, I am suggesting that maybe the Daily Telegraph giving space over to 119 photographs of the last Australian Miss Universe is a bit over-the-top. It’s not exactly news, is it?
Hang on; I think I just heard glass breaking on the back patio. And a metallic clicking sound. Gotta go!