I travel all over the www to bring you the metaphorical equivalent of the dead bird that your cat leaves on your porch. As metaphors go, that one is DOA in more ways than one, and it certainly doesn’t describe the desirability of the item I about to present to you.
But first, a half-step to the side. Because I know nothing, that is NOTHING, not to say N O T H I N G at all, about comics or graphic novels, I was a soupçon surprised to find myself at the rather well put-together and amusing comic blog livingbetweenwednesdays.com.
How little do I know, about this art form? Marvel. Stan Lee. DC. Ret Con. That is the entirety of my lexicon. This is roughly the equivalent of travelling across Europe with this phrase “ich möchte bitte ein Pfund Tomaten.” I’ve remembered it wrongly, but these words were the last ones my Austrian grandfather said to me before he left the house to go to his disco class at Arthur Murray’s in 1979. I told him disco was dead and five hours later, so was he.
One of the ‘bloggers at livingbetweenwednesdays.com, Johnathan, did a review of some 1990s comics. He found the following mind-blowing artifact in the pages of X Factor issue #70. (This is the dead bird, yes.)
The Coolometer is so ice cold that it really should be at the top of itself. This one was calibrated in 1992 and the fine measurements therein provide an excellent weather chart of mid-90s Pop Culture.
Let us don our lab coats and go to the Stevenson Screen of Zeitgeist and review some of the items that registered as ‘cool’ shall we? Well, well, Penn and Teller were second – HA! Libertarian Magicians, the second coolest thing in 1992? Puh-lease! Then it seems that the Cool Meteorologists nominated the TV show of THE FLASH as more worthy than any incarnation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Bogus. And somehow David Lynch’s Twin Peaks rated BELOW Rollerblades. WTF!
And there it is – second from the bottom – Ponytails on Men.
Well, guess it’s time to reveal in this ‘blog, for the second time ever, for those who have never met me, that I have a ponytail; a fine, fine ponytail that celebrates the glory that was of the the year 1992. This ponytail…this deep, dark magical EURASIAN ponytail is an iconic avatar of the past that says Seattle, that says Grunge, that notes the flashpoint in January ’92 when Nirvana’s Nevermind usurped Michael Jackson’s Dangerous at number 1in the Billboard 100.
Still, now I think about it, second from the bottom is a little high for Ponytails on Men. POW! See what I did there? The old switcheroo from nowhere. Puh-POW!. You think you know where I’m headed, when suddenly – like a taxi driver with a huge student loan to pay off – I’ve driven you in an unexpected direction and I’m charging you triple….sucker!
It’s CHINATOWN! It’s THE CRYING GAME! It’s the LAKE HOUSE with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. The unexpectedness of it all, I mean.
And yes, my fellow geeks, I do so agree that traditionally on a thermometer the higher temperatures are measured near the top and the cooler ones near the bottom. And going by that standard, in 1992, Regis and Kathy Lee’s show was the only thing cooler than my ponytail.
If you’re seeing this as a Facebook note, click here to see the original entry complete with actual Coolometer.